Moving on....and on!

Wow!Its quite a while that i didnt write on here...well,i've gone through my tough period of life.And that was a hectis and tiring enough for a starter like me.Thank God,now everything seems to be on the right track...time as well as condition.Im hired now,busy settling my life...to get all things arranged and done.
It's a new life that I live in,with new people and new environment.I can assured that it's totally different from what I've been going through before...
I'm not sure weither I'm still the same person like i used to be or maybe a new person,but I'm sure me is myself...or myself is me?!

Kepadamu kekasih...

Kepadamu kekasih
Aku berserah
Kerana kutahu
Kau lebih mengerti
Apa yang terlukis di cermin wajahku ini
Bersama amali

Kepadamu kekasih
Aku bertanya
Apakah kau yang menerima kukembali
Atau harus menghitung lagi
Segala jasa dan bakti
Atau harus mencampakku
Ke sisi tanpa harga diri

Aku tinggalkan
Jawapan yang belum ketemukan
Yang bakal aku nantikan
Bila malam menjemputku lena beradu

Kepadamu kekasih
Aku serahkan
Jiwa dan raga
Jua segalanya
Apakah kau akan menerima penyerahan ini
Apakah kau akan menerimaku dalam keadaan begini
*lagu nie really syahdu,sebak tiap kali dgar...upon listening it,we know as human we are bound to make mistakes,therefore we are not perfect,human is fallible.

Bukan kerana nama...

Jangan kau pandang bibir yang manis
Kerana dia bisa menghancurkan
Jangan kau pandang wajah yang indah
Kerana dia bisa meracunmu
Dengarlah hai teman
Dengarkan bersama
Aku menulis bukan kerna nama
Kerna sifat kasih
Pada sesama insan
Dan menyatakan kasih sayangmu
Kita sama semuanya sama
Apa yang ada hanyalah kehidupan
Jangan kau dengar puisi dusta
Kerana dia bisa merosakkan jiwamu
Dengarkanlah puisi di pusaka
Yang telah turun temurun hari ini
Jangan kau alas hatimu itu
Dengan secebis warna kehitaman
Dialah seperti anai-anai
Lambat laun hancurlah dirimu

p/s:utk renungan bersama...it's from Ramli Sarip's song

Healing

A lot of people say they want to get out of pain, and I'm sure that's true, but they aren't willing to make healing a high priority. They aren't willing to look inside to see the source of their pain in order to deal with it.
-- Lindsay Wagner
*I love this qoute,for me...it is true for some degree!well, most of us claim that they can deal and heal with the failures,but somehow they just pretending.When they forgive,they didnt really forget...when they leaving,they still turning back.

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.
-- Lewis B. Smedes
*I love this more,and this is the true meaning of healing...

I'll be back...

I 'll be back soon. So, watch out for more...I miss u girls(my frenz!)
I longing for a brand new life!no more wasting time...Gosh!so many things to settle down and figure out...everything has to be on the rite track and the rite time or otherwise my plan will backfire.Pray for me..wish me luck!

Big gurl dont cry...

Em...all of us seem to have no control over our luck when it comes to love. Apparently,to some degree it happened to one (maybe two) of my friend who had failed in love recently.
One friend of mine got frustrated bcoz she was admiring & waiting for a guy for almost a year. She was told by that guy the fact that he just broke up with his gurlfren and he also told my friend that he likes my friend ( that's how my friend started to fall for that guy). Ironically, that guy,not too long after he gave kind of hope to my friend...he reconcilled with his ex!but that prick didn't say anything to my friend and remained 'single' . However, he used to avoid my friend by abondoned her calls and sms-es!What makes that guy such a scumbag is..when was bored,he will calls/sms my friend and of coz what else a girl may concludes?of coz she thought that she still has chance to be with the guy (without knowing that guy's current status).
We all knows that we live in a small world (particularly in KL) so,we might related to each other. The guy's girlfriend is my best friend's schoolmate. And that is how the truth revealed! I really think that guy is useless aka hopeless!Well, i cant say that it's totally the guy's mistakes but somehow...he's the one who started everything first!why didnt he end up everything with some respect and manners!For that guy, he didnt deserve a good girl like us. Yet, we all still young, there are more choices and options out there...and one more thing, being single is not bad at all!
Just like an axiom that I got from a chinese movie that I watched last night "everything in this world can be insured,but not love". Any precautions againts love matters would not be reliable enough. And as a big girl, we should has precautions against that kind of man, not against love!Today you got so frustrated, but the next day you'll realizes it useless and the other days you'll find someone new out there...the one who is made for you.GAMBATE!!!

Cliché questions concerning your/our/my status.

Generally, the idea of above matter is an outcome of my aggravated emotion when I’ve being asked questions related to my status. Among of that ‘cliché’ questions are:

1. Do you have boyfriend? / Do you have boyfriend already? / Don’t you have boyfriend yet?
- Basically all of above questions bring the same meaning and typically these first questions are open- ended (yes/no) questions. Interestingly, may the answer is yes/no…there will be several sequence of questions after it. There will be second question after we answered the first question.
2. 1. Who? How/when/where do you meet him/her? ; these questions goes to ‘yes’ answer –isn’t it comical?
2.2 What!?...Why? When are you going to have one? - well, that’s totally comical!

As for me, my answer right now would be ‘no’… and basically I’ll get additional question that lead to the next questions:
3. Don’t you feel the sense of urgency to have boyfriend at your (I’m just 23) age right now?
4. Don’t you worry of being single for the rest of your life?
5. Don’t you feel lonely?

I’ll give the answer for questions no. 3, 4, & 5. Since my answer for question no.1 is ‘no’, therefore my answer for these 3 questions definitely is ‘no’ too. I don’t see any urgency of having a boyfriend because I love my single life right now. I am not worry of being single for the rest of my life because I’m not decided to stay single forever. But, for the time being, I’m not ready for any romantic relationship a.k.a commitment. I believe that God had created someone for me and if we are meant and made for each other…we will be together one day.
Plus point, I’m not lonely, I have my parent, siblings, families and of course wonderful friends with their superb friendship. So, being a singleton isn’t bad at all for me at this moment.

Isi hatiku...

I dedicated this to my friends… (Effa, wami, kida, hajar, kema, dee etc)! Actually, this was what I really wanted to say on the day we saying goodbye. But again, I left these words unspoken. There were so many things to say but because I can’t help myself cried upon our goodbye moment…it seemed that I never say anything but cried. These were all things that I supposed to say;
1. Thank you very much for the wonderful friendship.
2. I apologize for my weaknesses, wrongdoings, mistakes, for words, jokes or behaviors that maybe hurt you all.
3. I will miss you all and never forget our friendship.
4. You all are the greatest thing in my life; despite of my weaknesses…I hope you will accept me for who I am, because regardless your weaknesses…I’ll accept you for who you are.
5. Your flaws are my fetish (that’s why you are my friends), you’re exceptional!
6. Pray for our success…may all of us succeed in our life!
7. Good luck for everything.
8. Do update me with any news about you all; sms/call, even miss call will do or email me.
9. See you at our convocation and don’t forget to bring along flowers for me he3.
I LOVE YOU ALL WITH ALL MY HEART!!!

These I wanted to say, sorry because instead of hearing these words, I let you heard me cried. Sayang korang semua…muaaahhh(now I’m crying again..)!

A moment to reminisce…

When a day passed you by, you’ll realize there were so many things that you should do yet you don’t do for that day. And when the day had passed, you have to let it go…any regret is useless! As I’ve finished all my final exam papers, as I celebrating the bliss of a freedom (completed my study in the university)…I have to watch my friends left me one by one. And at any day, it’ll be my time…to leave this beloved university, and it was a gloomy evening when I used to leave this place. It was on Wednesday, 9th April 2008. I will not forget that day for the rest of my life. On that day, I felt so sad…the sorrows crawled all over my body in which it led to heartache and it activated my tear’s gland to produce teardrops, as the consequence…I cried. Physiologically, that is an explanation to my suffering (isn’t it? I guess so...).
I spent almost 4 years in this university (IIUM) and frankly speaking, it was so difficult for me to leave everything that used to be mine here. Let’s recap; I started my student life here at 19 years old, and now I’m 23 years old. It was here, where I used to grow up, in the sense…really grown-up. I had learned almost everything about life in this place. I’ve learned how to love instead of hate people, to strive till the end instead of giving up, to succeed instead of sobbed over my failure, and to forgive instead of resent, to laugh and smile instead of crying, to be independent instead of depend on others, to have courage instead of being afraid, to have many friends instead being a lone wolf, to appreciate instead of take things for granted, to fight instead of surrender, to realize over many things instead of ignorance. Now, I have to leave…as if I’ve never been here, how funny yet painful this life could be.

Gosh!this makes me sick!

These days,I've got so many free time...I've nothing to do except waiting for any interviews or job offers.So,I 've so many time to write and share in this blog...get ready for that!

Benefits out of 'it'...

I've read an article in a website(http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/growth/single.html);it's one of the world's mental health website.It's good for some sort of light reading...bear in mind,this website is not specifically for those who has mental problems/distortions/disturbances,yet it dedicated to all readers.It more to inspiring or motivating people.The article's title is "Single & Satisfied".
It quotes:"...being single can be a life-saving, rejuvenating experience. In fact, one can't truly be successful in a relationship without being single for a time. Being single allows us to do what we want, when we want, and with whom we want without having to answer to anyone. Being single allows us to take full responsibility for paying our bills, cleaning and decorating, cooking our meals, planning our activities, and entertaining ourselves. It allows us the time to sit in quiet solitude...,

"...Basically, being single affords each of us the opportunity to discover who we are, what we do and don't like, how we deal with things, what we want out of life, what our expectations are, what our potentials and limitations are, what energizes and empowers us, and what discourages and disappoints us. The goal of being alone should not be to prepare us for couplehood. Rather, the goal of being single should be to learn to fulfill ourselves, to meet our needs, and to develop as a human being regardless..".

I really wanted to dedicate this article to my friends out there, who are so worried over this matter(why they're still single?)Listen,you don't have boyfriend yet because it's not the time yet.It's not because you scaring people away but they(men)scared for no reasons.It's just because there is no right men yet for you and the time is not right...right now!

Do not worry over the small things okay!Hiish,

Help me to move forward with a brave heart...!

All this while, I’ve gone through so many things, be it good or bad. Honestly, it takes me courage to become the kind of person I’d like to be. It takes heart to act bravely…that empowered me to move ahead. I’m never giving up in asking for His bless and guidance, to give courage to listen to my inner voice. Yet, I cannot deny that too often that I stumbled on my way. There was a space in my heart, which my fear used to stay…I don’t know why did I kept that fear in my heart and allowed it to crippling my spirit. The higher the fear is, the greater this life will challenge me…

Interestingly, somehow, sometimes…I realized that today I can stand up tall bravely, saying that I had learned how not to be afraid. I’m not…afraid of this life for any upcoming, be it good or bad!

Now, everything has come to the end...and there is nothing much painful than leaving something that you wanna have till the end. I had just finished my study...but I dont see any reason why do I have to be happy with that.I've to leave my room,my hostel,my classes,my university and my friends that I used clinged to for years. It seems awkward when you wakeup and found out that you are in the different circumstances...that's how I felt.I'm never wonder the degree of impact of this separation on me, it's great...till the extent that it managed to break my heart!I've never been as weak as this...my feet dont seem stepped on on the ground,my knees was not supported that I might stumble at any time.Gosh!I really loves my friends,even I didn't show it...but I really do.But things have to move on,so do I...!The samegoes with this friendship...I'll miss you all girls!

I choose to live in present for my future, not trying to eradicate the past. I’m always aware of the past, my past…I can still remember how I got badly hurt because of my own failure, because of my weaknesses, because of things and people that I’ve lost or left me. I’ll not let any fear to bother me because one thing for sure, He’ll be by my side at all times.

Bukan kerana nama...

Jangan kau pandang bibir yang manis
Kerana dia bisa menghancurkan
Jangan kau pandang wajah yang indah
Kerana dia bisa meracunmu
Dengarlah hai teman
Dengarkan bersama
Aku menulis bukan kerna nama
Kerna sifat kasih
Pada sesama insan
Dan menyatakan kasih sayangmu
Kita sama semuanya sama
Apa yang ada hanyalah kehidupan
Jangan kau dengar puisi dusta
Kerana dia bisa merosakkan jiwamu
Dengarkanlah puisi di pusaka
Yang telah turun temurun hari ini
Jangan kau alas hatimu itu
Dengan secebis warna kehitaman
Dialah seperti anai-anai
Lambat laun hancurlah dirimu

p/s:utk renungan bersama...it's from Ramli Sarip's song

This is what I really wanted to say....

I've read this somewhere,its really represent my unspoken words...Just a heartfelt feeling,I've really wanted to tell someone all these words...if only I had a chance,eventually...no chance given,or maybe I've not taken...or maybe no chance at all!...but if you read this...I really hope that you will,and you know that this is meant for you...

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squandering your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see the beauty, even it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with the failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!’

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money do you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me to know who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire to be with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me to know where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Sebelum Cahaya by Letto

Ku teringat hati...Yang bertabur mimpi
Kemana kau pergi cinta...
Perjalanan sunyi...Engkau tempuh sendiri
Kuatkanlah hati cinta

Ingatkan engkau kepada..embun pagi bersahaja
Yang menemanimu sebelum cahaya
Ingatkan engkau kepada..angin yang berhembus mesra
Yang kan membelaimu cinta

Kekuatan hati yang berpegang janji
Genggamlah tanganku cinta...
Ku tak akan pergi meninggalkanmu sendiri
Temani hatimu cinta

Ingatkan engkau kepada...embun pagi bersahaja
Yang menemanimu sebelum cahaya
Ingatkan engkau kepada...angin yang berhembus mesra
Yang kan membelaimu cinta...

Sebelum Cahaya

Recently,I did listened to this song...why?no particular reason,it's just that I love the lyric.It is a very meaningful lyric!It has special sentimental value that worth to value.Even my friends cant help listening to this song again and again...!Just wanna share with you all...this beautiful lyric.Ehem...no now,wait laa...coming soon!

This is da poem..

If you wonder which poem, this is the poem.I like this poem a lot,
it is a call for not only me but all people to forge our own way in life and not follow the path that others have already taken.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I--I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference...

*well, it is a truism that any choice we make is going to make “all the difference” in how our future turns out.

The road not taken...

It seems quite a while that I did not write in here!Well, everything getting me tired and I dont really have time to share.It's just a heartfelt feeling that I want to share today...its almost 9 a.m now, I think...it's quite early today to express any dissatisfactions or anger.Hence, i'm not that type of person who used to venting all the resentment that I have.

Past few days, one of my friend's father had passed away (al-fatihah for him).Sometimes,thungs just happened out of our control, something that we did not expect moght happen at any times.By all means, weither we like it or not,we have to deal with it.Many of my friends had lost their father,they kept saying that "cakapla kt ayah kite yg kite sygkan dia sebelum tlambat","nanti klu x sempat,menyesal"...well, to some extent,I admit that it's true.But there is my another weaknesses,I dont know how to express my care,my love to people. How should I tell them that I love them,I care and I do appreciate them...it makes me a weirdo!

Thinking of those things remind me of a poem that I learned in my form 5,it's a Robert Frost's poem...'The Road Not Taken'.

It was hectic...but it worth!

These recent weeks like a hectic for me...I've had not enough sleep,the quality sleep.I've to rush in and for everything!Sometimes it seems ok,sometimes it turns to chaos.Everything is upside down..and I used to get angry and stress.But I cant express this resentment...Im not that type of people!...dealing with all the mid term papers, loads of assignments and presentations,it gets me mad!!!Im tired to death!What on earth there can be so many things in a time?!!!
Now, Im recover!Everything was setteled smoothly,like ther were no probs before.My life going normal,I'm free to do my daily routine...play badminton!What a relief rite?!!And yesterday,I've taken my last mid term paper-criminology!Thank god I did not convict any crime coz Im feel like dying read all the notes!And I did it and I dont have to regret for stay up overnite...I managed to answer almost all questions which only takes me about 15 minutes out of 1 hour given!...he,he!sound impressive rite?!!but juz wait 4 da result..
On the nite...I'm happy to know that I got A for my CCP subject!Am I dreaming?!!all of sudden,everything seems so rite and I'm so happy with that!!!!Even this life is a hectic,it worth!

A very nice moment to cherish..

Last nite,I had a grand dinner..its humanitarian nite!I dont know why but I really want to be there...maybe it will be my last grand dinner here,in university!everything seems good while we still teenage,young and free rite?!Well, I really hopes that I can see him.."a very nice sweet man"..not my prince charming,but I like to see his sweet face,it makes me smile!
I'm very happy that he gave a positive response when I used to stared at him..kept my eyes on him!I still remember last year's humanitarian nite when my friend and i used to in charge in multimedia crew...I took his pictures, a lot!and I knew that he realized that!and this year, its like a kind of retaliation when he used to do the same things to me and my friend!but so far...it is fun,very fun!I cant stop myself from smiling all the way to my hostel..even when i'm going to sleep...i feel like screaming too...so excited!I know I should take the opportunity that nite to talk to him..but I didnt.Why?because I think it is not necessary.
Anyway,I just want to share my feeling...for this time being,I am not ready with what so-called 'commitment'!I love being single,no particular reason...it's just my way!how long?dont know..maybe until the cupid hit me...oops!

I love this lyric...'takdir' by Melly Goeslaw & Opick

Dihempas gelombang, dilemparkan angin
Sekisah ku bersedih ku bahagia
Di indah dunia yang berakhir sunyi
Langkah kaki di dalam rencana Nya
Semua berjalan dalam kehendak Nya
Nafas hidup cinta dan segalanya
Dan tertakdir menjalani segala kehendak Mu Ya Rabbi
Ku berserah ku berpasrah hanya pada Mu Ya Rabbi
Dan tertakdir menjalani segala kehendak Mu Ya Rabbi
Ku berserah ku berpasrah hanya pada Mu Ya Rabbi
Bila mungkin ada luka mencuba tersenyumlah
Bila mungkin tawa mencuba bersabarlah
Kerna air mata tak abadi, akan hilang dan berganti
Bila mungkin hidup hampa dirasa
Mungkinkah hati rindukan Dia
Kerna hanya dengan Nya hati tenang, damai jiwa dan raga

Now...I'm 23 years old!

A very happy new year and a great happy birthday to me!!!well,it's quite late actually..but for me, there is no such term as too late.As i'm counting for a new year, i'm counting for new age!every year we all getting older than the last year.As we are getting into 2008,i'm getting into 23 years old...it sounds old,but only1 year older that last year!Now, i'm old enough see things clearly. Talking about year 2007, there were not much changes..back then I was 22 years old. Of course, that year stored so many memories to be mesmerize...those either full of sweetness or bitterness, it doesnt bother me at all now...coz one thing for sure, those were passed! So much lessons and experiences that i've got in my 22 years lod of life and i'll always remember 2007 as well as the previous years. Those years contributes a lot for who I am today.
There is one thing that left something tugged in my heart and my mind...left deep impact in my life!But it's personal..myself and I,between me and my inner self. Only He knows how hard i've tried to deal with it. I'm so thankful that no matter what i've lost, i'm certain that I still posseses something with me!No one can take that thing away from me...it's my faith!And that is how I succeed in dealing with all of my dissapoinments,failures and frustration. Faith...it is something that I used to cling to!

It is just something that felt...

Last few days,my emotion seems unpredictable,Ive experienced some kind of emotional fluctuation...sometimes I fell good,sometimes everything like seems so wrong!I decided to go for blood donation in the evening,it is a part of my small contribution since I cant contribute much.

Well, on the way back..I felt something,a feeling of relieve,peace and silence!these feelings toyed with my heart...gave me heartache!they touch my heart slowly till I managed to open my mind,thinking about all that I've beeb going through within these recent years.All of sudden..my tears just cant stop from falling down...I took a look around realizing that I will leave this place(my university) one day...that day will be too soon.

I've learned almost everything here...about friendship,about rivals,about love,about hatred,about peace,about tension,about past,about future,about dreams,about reality and more.And now,I'm counting the days that I'll be here...sooner everything will fades.At that time, what I have to do is to begin a new life..a brand new life on my own.I've learned to relish life's challenges,not to avoid them as I used to do sometimes.It is time to let my hope to pull me through,move forward with a brave heart...I've to live in present by reminiscing the past.

If I fall in pursuing my journey,I'll just get up..stand up right and continue untill my feet weak,untill my energy deplete..and if I fell like giving up,I will surrender everything to the highest power(Him).I believe...at the end,all that I get is an exceptional and fulfilling life...coz I know that my conscience is very clear..!!!

A new me...'maybe'

I dont really know about this 'blog' or 'blogging' things.Well, I do hv some idea bout it...blog is a kind of web log that people used to post their ideas,experiences, feelings,thoughts,or anything...whether to be shared or not.But occasionally,we post something on the web to be share with others rite!So,I think...that is why I've created one!

I do hv one,but it is fun/better to hv two....Im variety!I chose to name my blog with a simple sentence that is very meaningful to me...'life of perseverance and heart of sincerity'!that reflects me or at least that is what I aim to or try to be..I want to be a new me in the positive aspects,and juz be me in some aspects...

I hope that I can share or express my feeling,my thoughts,my ideas,my experiences via this blog!Hopefully,this year will promise me a brand new life...better life...full of sincerity,full of perseverance,full of hopes that will lead me to success!